Run.
The hardest urge for me to fight is run.
I think most impulses can be boiled down to one-word urges. Buy, save, kiss, eatdrinkscrewsurvive. Normal people urges. And the hardest for me to disobey is run. Run. Life is getting harder, run. You are getting older, run. You are stagnant. Run.
I have a plan to run away for awhile in seven days. I will use this time to figure myself out further, analyze, be restored. Its my time to meet my maker in the place where I grew up too fast. I will take some walks and sort myself out. (I have this vision of Sabrina where Fanny Ardant’s talking about walking around and writing nonsense in her journal, until one day it was not nonsense, and she found herself in Paris. I am retarded about that movie.)
I have another opportunity to run away but this time it may take some permission-getting from someone in particular. I’m not going to talk about it too much until I’ve broached the subject with them. Their feelings are my primary concern, I’m sure you understand.
I have to choose my words very carefully for this next part.
I don’t think there is too much left here for me in Austin, personal growth-wise. There is my job, which is a bird in hand until May, then I don’t know, and there is school, which is priority one from now on, because I have to get that degree so I can start looking for the job that will get me to the place where my dreams will start coming true. Right now, I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of anything here. It could just be me being cynical (and that would surprise no one) but from where I’m standing I’m not going to meet anyone quality enough for a really significant relationship here, I don’t think. And I don’t believe I’ll settle down here post-school, unless I sentence myself to one of those ubiquitous post-grad Dell jobs or something, unless God really, really pulls out the stops and provides. I know what I’m supposed to do with my life and I will go to great lengths to get to do that. And I feel like my skin is getting a little tight and that the time is coming to give in and run. I remember the hellish last weeks I spent in Tyler before I left for school and how mean I was to everyone because I couldn’t move fast enough. When it’s time, it’s time. My boss was talking about how she accepted the other day that it’s okay to move, even with a daughter, and how much weight that lifted. Bill always tells me hes envious of people who drop everything and chase their dream, and I am chasing a dream, it’s true, but I’m gaining on it. I feel like my gilded cage is beginning to shrink. And someday soon I won’t be able to fight it anymore.
