Mushbrain
I’m sitting here in a post-lunch lump, lost, listless, lackadaisical, languorously perched on my blue rolling chair and completely unable to do anything remotely constructive. This sucks. I don’t get paid to be tired and yet here I am, pooped as hell and barely keeping my eyes open, listening to She Who Must Not Be Named For Fear Of Revealing Embarrassing Secret Loves. She’s living in the SHADOWS!!! Of someone else’s DREAMS!!!!!
It could be argued that this torpor wouldn’t be so readily incurred if I were getting any sleep, but I find that my chosen alternative- talking to my sweetheart for hours on end for free (thank you Cingular!!!!!!) during the only time we consistently have available- is the best possible way to spend that particular span of time. So you might say “but Lauren you could nap when you got home from work†and to that I would say….well, for one thing I’d agree but then I’d say “Well, yes, but by the time I get home I’m no longer tired.†It’s a vicious cycle. And it doesn’t help that I’m jamming the sultry (oh, so sultry) sounds of the double-entendre laden Nathaniel Merriweather. Brilliant. How am I ever supposed to stay awake? How?!
More big phrases from PNB2. More things to be afraid of, more and higher stakes. I could sabotage this, you know. I could totally just eschew the whole thing. I could just walk away and break his heart. I could do it. Actually, I mean that as in it would be within my power because I could just pretend like I don’t care for him or something and be rude and drive him away, but if I were to do so I would hate myself for the rest of my life for doing that to such an incredible person, such a sweet and kind and handsome man. I could do it, but I won’t do it, because though I like to believe I’m hard enough to check my emotions and that I’m too busy to deal with a relationship, too tired and jaded and resigned, we all know I worship the ground he treads. Figuratively. It’s just a defense mechanism but it’s terribly destructive in the long run, obviously, and I really should just quit overanalyzing and go with the flow. But I’ve never been a go with the flow type, so this is more difficult than it sounds.
He’s so certain. So trusting and faithful. And I just sit here and doubt everything. I wonder if there’s something to be done about this? At what point did I become so…pessimistic? I want to be with him, I know that. He makes me happy, that’s for certain as well. But I have all these leftover voices inside that persist in tearing down everywhere he builds me up, and though eventually I’ll forget and move on, the insecurities rear their ugly heads and gnaw at me like rats on a cable, eventually shorting everything out. But I feel like I’m getting past that, you know? I feel like it’s something where he’s building up 2 bricks for every one that gets knocked over. I need to be careful though, to make sure I don’t get to the point where I need him. I know better.
On a final note, a quick hello to Michelle, Jamie and Mike :o)
June 30th, 2005 at 4:25 pm
What’s wrong with needing someone? I couldnt live without my fiance and I couldnt be happier!
June 30th, 2005 at 9:03 pm
Well, I’ve known PNB2 for not very long and I don’t want to be in that position at this point. Eventually, I would love to get there with him. But it’s a little early yet. I worry that instead of fixing these insecurities I would merely patch them up with his words, and that would create a sort of codependency that I don’t want. I love him and want to be with him but it’s too early to need him.