Oodleday

Catch found.

I would be lying, however, if I said it was a deal breaker. It truthfully caught me by surprise- I never would have figured someone so vocal, someone who spoke their mind so well, would have such a problem with communicating well. He called it- he pointed it out, and then proceeded to illustrate how this has manifested itself in his life most recently- a situation that yes, did cause me a little pain to think of but my God I wish he had said something earlier, it happened like a year ago and he didn’t even know me, so it wasn’t that that hurt…it was that everything, EVERYTHING would have made ten times more sense and I would have known better what to do…the consequences of whatever I could have said…he said he would understand if we were done, if I ran and shut him off as I am wont to do, and I was stunned because I truthfully didn’t care. I didn’t care about the past, only how it affected the future. I would certainly haven’t left for something he did such a long time ago, well, well before he knew me. I was madder that he hid something from me, and then quoted me as saying that not telling all of the truth wasn’t the same as lying. Which I did, in fact, say. Part of me was still sad that we had to have this conversation but the other part was secretly pleased he remembers things I said. Sigh.

God, and it was so minor. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t huge. But now I’m left here wondering if I’m doing that thing that girls do where we try and justify our love, we make allowances, excuses. We give, and not in a good way. But I think that I’m not off base here. The question is: should I think of this as more since it mattered so much to him?

You get to a point where you have a new constraint when making decisions- do you love him any less because of X, Y or Z? It goes from “This is bad” and “This is good” to “This is bad, but I get where he was coming from” or “This is bad but it’ll never happen again…right?” At what point are you justified in leaving- before that point, if you leave, did you really love them ever?

I do love him. And this changes nothing. But I hope he believes me when I promise him as much.